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I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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