did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Fuck appropriateness.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
