Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Randomize
