When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
