I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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