our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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