Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
