He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
