Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
