mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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