So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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