anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
