you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
