Already got asked if we're dating
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize