wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I have fence marks all over my body
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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