i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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