if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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