I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i believe in u and ur pee
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
