Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
