My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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