its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
