i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
