I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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