Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
