Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize