Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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