dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
