It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
