if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
