Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
