you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
