Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
