the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
