I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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