Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
