does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
