This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
