I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
