somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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