It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
