i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
