I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
