Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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