I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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