i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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