Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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