i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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