she looked like the bat from fern gully.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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