He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
