dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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