I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
