chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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