just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
