there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize