I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
