i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
