my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
