drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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