Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I need water and some morals
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
