Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
