I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
