Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
