Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
