I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
