My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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