you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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