gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
