Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
