So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
