I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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